You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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