WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
