i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
