Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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