I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
