i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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