I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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