I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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