I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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