so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Randomize
