Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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