i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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