I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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