I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize