If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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