he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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