I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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