SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
