A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
