tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
