Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
