guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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