I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
