I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
