In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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