My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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