I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
