i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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