you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
