I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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