moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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