hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
