Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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