Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
