im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize