Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
