i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize