You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
