Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
