Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
