my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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