OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
