he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
