I am in a vortex of obligation.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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