They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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