Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He better not be in your backpack
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
