yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
