He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
