My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
