I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize