I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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