in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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