Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
