dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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