he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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