I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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