My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
