it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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