I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
