a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
