i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
